I think I’m going to just lay here and stare into the blank canvas that is the dark. It consumes my whole room, but i’m not scared. I should be; scared of the unknown. Or is it known, but just not to me.
Here I am having a shitty night, like the many shitty nights I’ve had before. Try rethinking, try taking a breath, try to relax, try to evaluate things in a different way. Where did this come from? Where did this fucking come from? The tidal wave hit me and drowned me. My skeleton is all I have left.
Where did this come from?
Why did the wave hit? Why did the wave hit me? I can’t swim, I can’t breathe.
I thought if I revoked the nutrients I would be able to float. But here I am. Losing energy as I reach for the surface.
And I’m back in my room. Cringing for a flashlight. I take a breath. It’s not enough.
It’s never enough to survive this. How can I survive the feeling I have when I can stay up all night? When I can brag to my friends that I didn’t sleep? But I wasn’t drunk, I wasn’t watching Netflix. I was crying. How can I brag to my friends that I was up all night crying about nothing. What’s to brag about? Each time I can’t handle it, do I brag? Is that how I get the attention I secretly don’t crave? How do I get their attention if I die when I get it? If depression had a manual, don’t you think I would have read it? Trust me I’ve googled it. It’s not real. It’s not a reality that is reality. It’s not real. It’s like dancing point for the first time and your ankle snaps. Everything is over. You’re done. That’s all you get.
Nice try. I almost lost you there. You’re worried now aren’t you? I’m going deeper and deeper. But look honey, I’m already there. There is no more deeper to go, but somehow the hole keeps going down. We’re running out of breath.
How can I impress you? How can I prove that I am enough? That’s it though? There is no proof to give because I am not human, I am not proof worthy. I am worthless.
My eyes are closing. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. But I will not sleep. I can’t.