Dear Future Husband, Person, Thing.

Dear possible men that may enter my life,

Welcome. Please keep arms and legs inside the car at all times during the ride. You may notice that I’m a little different then your average woman. You may find yourself suffering from whiplash once you exit the rollercoaster. Sadly, I won’t be getting off. You’re welcome to continue riding at your own risk.

My thoughts are ran by the Tasmanian Devil, and he can be a little scary but also very flattering at the same time. I don’t think that you should be afraid, he won’t hurt you if I say no.

Sometimes when I read, I read out loud in a British accent because it makes me feel classy. I want to feel classy. I’m not classy.

I like jokes that no one thinks are funny. I also take these horrid jokes too far so people stop listening. I also tend to pick at your ego until it bleeds. I don’t mean to, but remember that I really enjoy those awful jokes. I promise though that way deep down I feel awful about it.

And because of my (you could call) craziness, I tend to take liking way too far.

Hey, at least I get my point across. Cause honestly, what is this friend zone bullshit? If I like you, than we’re already friends. Why does it have to be a zone? Why do we have to be stuck there?

Like, what do I have to do? Cut off the fat from my chaffing thighs? Curl my lashes? Remember to pluck my brows? Nah, fuck that. I mean, I could do the thigh thing as chaffing hurts like a bitch. But I wouldn’t be cooling the fire for you. Do I need to stop being myself? Before digging into me and my body, you take a stab at yourself.

Do I have a “You can look, but do not touch” sign on my back? Oh, I don’t? Then why are you so afraid of me?

“Don’t forget, I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.”

Break Time

To the manager that doesn’t understand why I breakdown so easily.

It’s not because I don’t care or that I have no interested in trying. It’s not because I purposely try to be horrible at my job.

I struggle with the constant battle of wrong and wrong in my head (yes, wrong and wrong). I try so hard every day to be a good employee for you. I know that sometimes that doesn’t show, but I promise you that I want to try.

I can’t help it when I disagree with the changes that are made. Whether it is good for the company or not, sometimes I’m just simply uncomfortable with what we have to do. I don’t like asking people things that I don’t know. I know it’s part of a sales job, but I just can’t do it. It’s a part of me that you will have to understand. I can’t change that, but i’m working on it.

All of the times that I have cried at work isn’t because of something that you have done to me personally, but because I can’t handle the pressure. That’s something I know you won’t understand. I deal with the pressure of the world and everyone else’s on top of mine. It’s a lot to handle. I know that you see me always happy and laughing, but it’s just a face that I have to put on. It’s my hiding place.

I don’t want you to treat me differently, but at the same time I wish that you would. I think differently, react differently, breathe differently. I’m not like every other person. I’m going to have horrible days, but the kind of horrible I want to take a knife to. But I’ll also have amazing days where I’ll never stop smiling. I’m sorry, but there won’t really be an in between. Maybe for a split second, but that will be the changeover.

I suffer from minor depression and major anxiety. I don’t want to blame the illness, but it definitely affects my job performance. I’m working so hard on trying to fix my life, but it is a pain I would never wish on my worst enemy.

I just hope that you listen to this, not as a cry for help, but for an equal understanding that I hope will help in the long run of the company.

Not everyone can do what you ask of them, because they may be dealing with something way deeper than you would’ve thought.

You are amazing people, and I am so grateful to have this job as a life opportunity, but you need to take a step back, as you’re pushing way too much, and you may just end up pushing me over the edge.

80 Reasons

These are 80 thoughts that popped in my head when I started thinking. Every day these thoughts appear. It’s not okay. But I’ll be okay.

  1. Bitch
  2. I’m not okay
  3. I don’t want to be here
  4. Lock me up
  5. Undeserving
  6. Help me
  7. I’m not pretty
  8. Beautiful
  9. Not funny
  10. You’re a failure
  11. Do I look okay?
  12. Disgusting
  13. It’s not hard, just act normal.
  14. No one wants you here
  15. Am I pretty enough?
  16. Ridiculous
  17. Incapable of love
  18. Don’t be so pathetic
  19. Deserving
  20. Leave me alone
  21. Your self sucks
  22. Caring
  23. Waste of space
  24. FAT
  25. He hates you
  26. Don’t be so sad
  27. A joke
  28. You suck
  29. Lifeless
  30. Leave me alone
  31. Deserving
  32. Garbage
  33. You have no friends
  34. What’s the point?
  35. Am I good enough?
  36. Ugly
  37. Be different
  38. Why do you bother?
  39. Bad at your job
  40. Save me
  41. Everyone is looking at you
  42. Your friends are fake
  43. Don’t be fooled by the attention
  44. Smart
  45. Useless
  46. Life is easy
  47. You’re just doing it for attention
  48. Good enough
  49. Pointless
  50. No wonder no one loves you
  51. Loving
  52. Waste of time
  53. Stop looking at me
  54. Everybody hates you
  55. I’m not good enough
  56. You don’t deserve happiness
  57. People hate you
  58. Kind
  59. Stupid
  60. Ask me if I’m okay
  61. Bad at being human
  62. Worth it
  63. You’re a pity to society
  64. You’re a burden to life
  65. Liar
  66. What makes you special?
  67. I’m not good enough
  68. People don’t love you
  69. Stop smiling
  70. You’re so stupid
  71. You aren’t special
  72. You deserve to be sick
  73. Why love yourself?
  74. Life is better without you
  75. Amazing
  76. What makes you better than them?
  77. This is why people leave you
  78. This is why your family doesn’t want to be around you
  79. You are nothing
  80. It’s okay not to be okay