What was my day like yesterday?
I mentally broke down.
I wanted it all to end. I wanted the light to go out. I was so done with the stress and the frustration. Does that make me weak? Maybe. Did I end it? No. But it took every inch of my strength not to. I reached out for help as I set myself into isolation. I wanted the waves of the ocean to wash me away, but my friend pulled me back.
I kept telling her that I can’t do this anymore. And that is still true a day later. Did I harm myself? No. But who knows where my mind will drift off to in a day, or week, or month?
I’ve set myself into isolation again typing this…
No one at work wonders about me. They don’t bother to wonder if I’m hurting inside as I sit quietly at the counter. My smile hides a truth about me. I don’t think I’ll tell them though. They’ll think it’s for attention. Which it isn’t, I don’t think. My mind tells me it’s not, but it lies to me all of the time. Who’s to say it won’t lie to me again?
I failed the class again. I failed myself, my friends, my family, but most importantly I failed my life. What the hell am I going to do now? I can’t redo it for the third time. That’s just pathetic. I don’t think I can put myself through that stress and energy again. It’s too much. I could barely handle two classes, why would one be any different?
God, I wish these meds would start working. I feel like they are only making me more insane. But again, no one knows that.
Just lock me up. I’m afraid of my potential. I think it’s the only way I can be saved from the world.