Baby I Love Your Way

So, what can I see for myself down the road?

That’s an extremely tough question because I have no idea. I want to be out of debt and living out on my own and working full-time, but those are the obvious answers.

I want to get married and most importantly become a mom. I mean it’s my right to do that. I just hope that it one day becomes possible for that dream. Right now with the health being all out of whack from my weight to my stupid uterus, I think it will take a huge effort for that to happen. I just hope it will happen soon. And honestly, I don’t care if I get married or if I have a one night stand or I choose to do it via donor. I will do it the way that life has planned for me. I won’t take any other opinions into consideration because it will be my decision.

I think that I just need to stop staring into the sky and wondering what I could be and what I could do, and just do it and just be the person I want to be.

Happiness is only possible if you decide that you want it, so take it.

Sleeping Beauty and the Beast

So it seems to be that my last two posts got a little bit out of hand. I am not apologizing for anything that was said in it because every bit is true.

So, today I want to talk about sleep and something else, but you’ll find out when we get there.

I have the hardest time falling asleep and staying asleep. Like, I literally just lay in my bed and stare at the wall. I have a bit of insomnia which doesn’t help and I have a very strong fear of the dark (due to paranormal beliefs), which causes major anxiety while I’m trying to sleep. I have to sleep with a light on, like a floor lamp, and I have to have sound going on in the background. I normally have my laptop on beside me with Netflix playing something.

Another thing that stops me dead in my tracks of sleep is I’m normally crying for no reason so that just causes me to lose an hour right then and there. Like hysterical crying too, I mean not like I just witnessed my lover get shot and now I’m holding them in my arms, you know like in the movies. I just mean like it’s uncontrollable whimpering with streams falling from my once dry eyes.

Then there is the switch that I haven’t mastered yet. The brain. Shutting that thing off is a bitch. It just talks and talks and talks, and you try to tell it to shut the fuck up but it just keeps going on and on and on, oh my god, I’m doing it now. See what I mean? Teach me your tricks Sensei.

On another note. New topic. Over the last while, I’ve read a lot of you know, reading material about discovering your “sexuality”.  Have you discovered yours?

I’m going to be completely honest with you. I haven’t. Not completely. I mean I am more attracted to men, but then again I think about it and maybe I’m not. It’s a tough thing to say because not a lot of people believe in bisexuality. It is such an unwritten rule to love both types of humans. Why is that? Am I not allowed to find a woman sexy at the same time as finding a man sexy?

Yes, yes I am.

There’s nothing wrong with it! I might be bi-curious or bisexual. Hell, I might even be straight. I don’t know yet. And yeah so what. Just because I’m 22, doesn’t mean I know who I am yet. “But, if you are gay (or any other), weren’t you supposed to be born gay (or any other)?” ~Uh no. It doesn’t always work like that. In most cases it can take years and years for people to discover themselves and come out proud whether straight or gay or in between. But honestly who cares. Would you still love me the same if I had a different way of living? Sure you would! I wouldn’t give you much of a choice. And you can shame me all you want! I honestly don’t give a shit!

Well, I’m off to sleep until tomorrow. Rest well you sexual beasts. Until the next post, I hope you learn the meaning of life and then please explain to me what it means because I apparently can not get a grasp on it. Cheers! ‘Clink’

I Wanna Hold Your Hand

friends-holding-hands-images-HOLDING-HANDS“I’ve just seen a face I can’t forget the time or place where we just met she’s just the girl for and I want all the world to see we’ve met. mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm” – The Beatles

My favorite Beatles song indeed. I dream about someone singing that about me one day. When that will happen I will never know, but until then I’ll sing it terribly to myself in the shower. Now, because this is supposed to be a blog about honesty (in the most part) and truth, I am going to be exactly that. I’ve never had a partner in love. I’ve never been in love (a heck of a lot of crushes, but that doesn’t count). I’ve never had my “first kiss”, while I’ve been kissed before, it wasn’t in the way of falling for each other. It was sloppy and normally followed the laws of alcohol and didn’t always end up on a man (long story short, I’ve kissed a few women when I was drunk, but those stories are for way later down the road when you get to know me better).

Online-Dating-Class-Online-Dating-Coach-Online-Dating-Services-Online-Dating-Expert.jpgI’ve used probably all of the dating sites, excluding specific sites (ChristianMingle, JDate, LDSMingle, etc for obvious reasons that I do not celebrate any religion in my own life. I do support anyone and would fall in love with a religious person, but now we are getting off track), but I am having no luck at all. I mean, there are plenty of good looking and intelligent men out there, but I can’t seem to go anywhere with that. I’m scared. Not to go on a date with people, but I’m scared to be in a relationship. I don’t know what that type of love and attraction feels like. I’m scared to let men know the real me because let’s face it, I’m a bit crazy at most times. Sometimes people can be a little judgmental with strong personalities.

I don’t want to end up more broken then I already am.

I push things too far sometimes, and I know that. I mean if I have a crush on someone, I push and push and push until suddenly, they don’t like me anymore. Sorry.

I’m afraid of not being loved back. Putting all of my heart on the line and having it thrown back into my face. Which is probably going to happen a few times when I do jump into the deep end anyways. And what is this friend zone shit? As soon as I meet a guy and become friends with them, I’m automatically in the friend zone? I’m not allowed to be anything else? Relationships happen even after being a friend. Wait! Being a friend is a relationship! Damn it internet and your tasteless rules.

Then there’s this stupid new trend “Tinder”. What is the point of swiping left or right and getting nothing out of it. You get sex? Why is that okay w175034-How-Bold-One-Gets-When-One-Is-Sure-Of-Being-Loved.jpgith society? If you find love out of that you are a very small statistic. Tinder makes me uncomfortable. Getting a bunch of messages a day all starting with “hey wanna bang?” ~No, no I don’t.

Anyways enough of my ranting.

I want to know what it feels like to have my heart stolen. I want to live a fairytale whether they exist in your world, or they don’t. I want to be in love, and I want to be loved back. I want to live in the sun and exist.

Love is a battlefield.

 

 

You Are What You Eat

Stressed-dessertsAs I lay in my bed, I find that i’m comforting myself with food. Why is the first thing I go to is food when I’m by myself? Is it something else that controls me too? Why do we eat so much when dealing with the many forms of this illness?

“It’s your hormones, just eat healthier.”

Well, thanks. If it was that easy, don’t you think I would have done it already? Probably not if I’m honest. I can’t find the love in other people, so I search for it in the only thing I can control, food. It’s there when I need it. It’s my shoulder to cry on. It’s my mom when she’s away. It’s my best friend when they are sleeping. Sometimes I like it more then you; tough shit.

I’m fat. So what? I can still love myself. I do, I do love myself. I just don’t like every other part of me.

“Why do you hide your food in your room? Are you a hoarder?”

No, definitely not a hoarder, I just find that if I eat by myself in my bedroom, I won’t feel the urge to deepen my depression by having to feel that bullying and judgment from other people. Thanks, but no thanks.

All I want to do is eat. Like all the time. Is there really that much wrong with that? There shouldn’t be. It is just food. It’s just a few extra calories and just a couple extra grams of salt and fat. If it killed me, that would be the most pleasant way to die.

If you can’t understand why it means so much to me, then you don’t get it at all. My comfort level is so high with it because that is the biggest thing that I can depend on. It understands my pain. It wants to heal me. It wants to give me life.

If you just want to sit at home and stuff your face with some donuts, or McDonalds or even pizza, just do it. Don’t let other people judge you for it. Food’s the only friend you need.

Now let us Netflix and stuff our faces until we can no longer breath, chew a little bit and then stuff some more in there; eat.

 

 

 

Love is a Battlefield

Have you ever imagined yourself smothered in the red of someones heart? Meaning love…in case you wondered. I have, not necessarily the romantic type but I’ve loved and it’s been swallowed whole by the blackness. download (1)

Loving someone under the depths of depression is one of the most impossible things in the world. It’s harder than learning how to speak another language or learning how to drive a car or even learning how to fly an airplane. It’s nearly impossible. Nobody ever explained why. I still don’t know. I want to. I want to be able to fall in love like any other person, but these fucking voices in my mind keep telling me it’s not the time. I’m not saying that I have intense voices in my head, but you know what happens. Everyone has these voices from time to time. We have them every day. Every single fucking hour of the day.  They never stop talking.

download (2)

People we try to love don’t understand our true emotions. They don’t work like most “normal” people’s do. We can’t be happy in love all the time. We need the time to ourselves (most of the time) to truly be ourselves. We need the time to be depressed. That is how we are going to make it through the day. We need to be alone. But at the same time we want nothing more then to be cuddled and protected by the warmth of another’s soul. Why are we not allowed to have all of that? Why is it not socially acceptable to be alone while being with someone?

You would think that because we are in so much pain we would be the first ones to be protected my a man or woman’s heart.

tumblr_nggzfrP5eH1sa0yw9o1_500People are scared of us. People are scared of the illness. They refuse to touch us.

Touch me. Feel my skin against yours. It feels the same. Though we are covered in pain and sorrow, we do not feel like death. We can not kill you. We can love you.

“It hurts so much. Not to have you by my side. Not to be around you. Not to be with you. You’re the pain that I won’t give up. ~~Unknown.

Love will find it’s way, and so will you.

 

It’s a Mad World

image

Today I had a job shadow for school at one of the clinics in town that care for a lot of the drug attics, homeless, “crazy” and jobless people in the city. I met so many of these different types of people that it really opened up my eyes.

My illness is only a small part of all the other illnesses in the world. They are all major issues that I don’t think people understand. I fight with my demons every single day, and so do they. They just do it in so many different ways and it’s cruelty of the soul.

At the same time, I may not be going through anything that compares to their life, like at all. But I am still allowed to be sad about my own life. I’m allowed to be sad for any reason. I don’t have to be poor and homeless to cry.

Your problems are just as important as others, and sometimes more.

We are all circus freaks on this terrible trip taking corners like bad asses on the tracks of life.

“We’re all mad here.”

Reach Out to the World

So, I reached out to To write love on her arms. I received this email in response:

Hello Kim,

Thank you so much for writing to us.

We see this message as evidence that you want to keep fighting.

Kim, we believe there is still some time for you. We hope you feel that this is true too. There is still time for love to find you. There is still time to catch your breath. It is okay to stop. It is okay to be still. It is okay to rest.

We know how you feel. A lot of us at the TWLOHA office know these struggles firsthand. Many of us know what it is like to feel like you are reaching for something that is not there, or waiting for something that won’t come. Hope is a funny thing though, because it is a choice – but it is also something that comes as a surprise.

It is good that you have been talking to someone – and maybe it is good that they have had some similar experiences. Have you considered talking to a mental health professional, like a counselor or therapist? Our Find Help page may be beneficial to you in finding a professional or treatment center in your area.

 

We hope that today you are reminded – somehow – of the things that make you glad to be alive. Maybe that is a smell, or maybe it is a old song or a good movie. Our thoughts have tremendous power over our bodies and over our health and well-being, so we have to fight to not give ourselves over to bad thoughts. Yes, this is much easier said than done, but it could be a start for you. Life happens to us, yes, but we also have a say in what we do about the things that do happen to us. We do get to pick where we go next.

 

We agree with you in that we need love and hope. These are things that you cannot really buy or package or physically see. But we do experience these things. We know that somehow – somewhere beyond science and above mathematics – these things are true and real and beautiful, and that they are available to us. Here at TWLOHA, we often find hope and love within other people. We find strength and encouragement and life when we gather around those who are close to us. People need other people. We need each other.

 

We know the fight you are facing. We know it seems lost sometimes, maybe not worth fighting at all. We know it seems easier to hide. We know the anger and frustration you feel with yourself and with your current situation. We know how scary change can be.

 

But all is not lost. What you are going through now will pass. We would simply ask you to keep going. Keep moving forward. If you need to stop so that you can grieve or rest or ask a question or two, or maybe pull in a friend or family member along the way, that is okay. It is okay.

 

Your story is still going. There is still time. Please don’t give up.

 

We are with you. Our Find Help page and our blog are available to you at all times. Our online store and our social media accounts are here. You are not alone, Kim. You can reply to this e-mail if you would like to. You can ask questions. You can share your story. You are safe here.

 

Better Days are ahead. If you cannot believe this right now, that is okay. We will believe it for you. These days will come. There is still some time.

 

With Hope,

TWLOHA

All I can say is thank you.